one in five.

1 in 5

Never once have I said it out loud. And despite not actually saying it this is still fucking hard. Even as I write this I still feel ashamed. Like a failure.

I just want to do my work, but every one of my feeds is flooding with women sharing their stories of postpartum depression and mental health. I feel touched by their stories and all I can think is how strong they are for sharing.

But this vulnerability shit does not make me feel strong. I absolutely hate this. Yet, on a much deeper level than my discomfort, I understand how important this conversation is. And I want to step up and tell good moms that they are not alone.

I've lived my entire life with depression and anxiety. Anyone who had the privilege of knowing me in my teen years can certainly attest to that. Eventually, I pulled my life together and started taking my health seriously. By the time I was ready to be a mom, I was fucking ready.

And damn, I was right. My first dance with motherhood was beautiful. I leaned in. I was the Pinterest mom, homemade baby food, avocado 'chocolate' pudding, cloth diapers, and all.

Over time depression found me anyway... But I was stronger. I had so much more reason to pull through and overcome anything life was going to throw at me. And so I pushed on.

Baby two was an entirely different story. I felt incredible joy as I held my second baby girl... But day after day, the joy slipped from me and I was left feeling completely resentful and detached from her. I didn't understand. Why am I feeling this way? I was meant to be a mother. Why am I hating this so. Damn. Much...?

My very lowest point had me crying at my ex to please, please not let her touch me... My body didn't feel like it belonged to me and I couldn't even stand the thought of one more hand claiming my body as theirs. For comfort, nutrients, nothing. My skin crawled.

Something that still fills me with complete and utter shame.

If I help one mom feel a little less alone, this complete stretch from comfort is worth it... I wouldn't wish those lows on anyone.

So yes. I am 1 of 5 moms who struggled postpartum. #mywishformoms is for you to know you are enough and I'm here.