Fuck it.
I really want to take charge and own my life.
I do. No blame. No excuses.
No matter how much I convince myself that I need money to reach my goals, I know deep down I am just afraid of being irresponsible or too whimsical for my own good. But money doesn't come first when it comes to your dreams. But the bills and responsibilities don't pause simply because you have decided to follow your heart and live out your passions.
So which comes first? How do you move forward when your life has already been built around obligation, responsibility, and someone else's dreams? Not that this was really anyone's dream for me... But doesn't it seem like the goal is to race into responsibility and commitments before any of us even know what the fuck we are doing?
All this time I was told that screwing up was apart of growing up, as though it's supposed to stop once you have achieved a certain level of responsibility. I feel like a level 10 in that department, yet so so far behind in life experience and understanding my own desires. I've spent so long trying to want what I'm supposed to, that I can't see or feel what my own heart and soul are trying to tell me. Don't get me wrong. I am proud of the lessons I have learned, the moral code I have shaped, and the integrity by which I choose to live. I just didn't realize how much unlearning I had to do.
Unlearning. What the fuck is that.
In short, our upbringing, life circumstances, society, cultural background, and spiritual beliefs shape a lot of our 'programming'. Our childhood years are spent downloading information so we can develop a compass of right, wrong, good, and bad. We may subconsciously operate with beliefs and ideas that have been ingrained into us without even really noticing. Need an example? Say your a badass thirty-something-year-old single woman living her best life. No matter how rad she feels, and how accomplished she is in her own rights, some fucking idiot somewhere at some point WILL MOST DEFINITELY ask when she is going to get a boyfriend slash to get married slash have a baby, OR ask why she hasn't gotten these things already. My hope is that she responded with a smart ass remark like, "I actually have two boyfriends, three husbands, and six kids I abandoned, Carol. So mind your own fucking business." and doesn't feel the least bit of inadequacy for choosing (or not choosing) to have these things yet. But odds are these questions will strike a nerve because of societal expectations, belief systems, and upbringings. This is exactly the type of shit that needs to be unlearned so we can stand in the glory of living a life on our own terms. That's just one example, but you probably get the idea.
For me, right now, I am doing a lot of unlearning around the words 'job', 'career', "work', and 'living'. As in 'What do you do for a living?'
I've believed that a job meant trading time for money. Your work should make someone else money, or allow the boss to not have to do something that they don't want to do, and it certainly shouldn't be too much fun. Work should take sweat, tears, countless hours, missed family events, and lots of sacrifices. And if you still don't have enough money, it's time to get another job on top of that one! It's the only way to make it because money doesn't grow on trees, ya know??
As I begin to collect more experience as a human being, gaining perspective, and challenging some of these patterns that need to be unlearned, I realize.... fuck all that shit.
